Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
