Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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