Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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