I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
time to smoke my breakfast
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize