I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I deserve this hangover.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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