ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
