it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
