So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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