as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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