So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
