So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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