He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize