shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
