I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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