Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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