In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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