The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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