wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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