by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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