i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
His hands were made for my vagina.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
