I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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