he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
