Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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