Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
