Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize