I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Is Oprah even human
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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