yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
