You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
