My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
