just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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