i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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