I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
