I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Randomize
