This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
