ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
