I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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