Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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