I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
