at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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