Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
