Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
