I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize