Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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