The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
