i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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