i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
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