I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize