Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
