I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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