i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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