she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
