4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
