just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
