You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
