My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
