I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
