we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
