Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
