Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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